Friday, February 29, 2008

Root cause of passivity located

Low self-esteem. I feel like I'm crap, and consequently any time, effort or money spent on me is just icing on crap. And that's why I feel so bad about taking time to myself, buying things and doing things for myself and my own benefit alone.

Just understanding this has helped. Currently I'm meditating on whether I've only come up with this as an excuse to justify starting again, whether my children's needs really are such that I need to wait, or whether I've hit the nail on the head and should haul ass back to the salle soonish.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Run away!

Had anyone told me even a year ago that one day I would go out for a run four times in two weeks, and more or less enjoyed it, I would have thought them completely mad. Had they told me this twenty years ago, I would have called an ambulance on the spot. Yet tonight I did it again: went out in the wet, cold, dark February night in my (very 80s) running gear and jogged for almost half an hour without stopping. Yay me!

I'm not timing myself on these runs, because the thought of running the same route every time kills me with boredom. Instead, I measure progress by how long I can keep running; "running" being defined as "not walking", i.e. both feet are simultaneously off the ground during each step, i.e. my weight is on neither foot... Yep, it's a pretty low threshold! But it works. You may not think half an hour sounds like a lot, but consider that half a year ago I could keep running for no longer than five minutes at one go. Five minutes. And now it's thirty. Yay!

I'm still not used to the feeling of my physical effort being primarily defined not by whether I can or not, but whether I want to or not. Unlike during my teenage years (one's supposed physical peak!), these days I never feel totally exhausted, I never have to lean against trees to catch my breath, my throat and chest between the clavicles never hurt from, well, whatever the reason was that they used to hurt during heavy aerobic exercise... The first clue that I'm tired is that I get really, really bored and just don't wanna run anymore, don't want to keep moving those feet. That feeling leads me to examine the situation and conclude from experience that my muscles must be tired. By the time I stop to stretch, I may be out of breath but even that feels slightly fake as I can calm my breathing within about five seconds if I want to. Sometimes I forget because huffing and puffing is theatrically correct, and then when I remember to stop it I feel a right berk for doing it.

Thus far I've decided against buying a pedometer (or whatever it is) because I'm sure that once I've got it, I'll lose all interest in using it.