Monday, August 03, 2009

Wobbly motivation to keep climbing the same hill

Ever since the Fiore Extravaganza, I've had serious trouble motivating myself to attend regular classes. The Extravaganza offered a great step-by-step exploration of a coherent system, giving masses of insights undreamed of and a potential way to integrate those individual insights into a framework. It was also intensive, providing training opportunities almost daily for a week and a half. Thus it approached the way I *want* to pursue my swordsmanship studies: intelligent, intensive training within a logical, mature system. (This is not to exclude the huge load of mindless repetition, which is what my stupid body requires to actually learn new ways of moving and which I also like as a counterweight to all that thinking.)

Since then, I've found practically no internal motivation to practise set drills outside (or let's say on the outskirts of) Fiore. I've been hard pressed to keep wanting to expend brain power on learning and re-learning basically the same set drills I've been doing for years, which I don't see as contributing much anymore to this deeper understanding of swordsmanship that I want. I appreciate that others want, like and need to train that way - hey, it was the right way for me to train for years and years, I'm not likely to bash it! - but the hill I have to climb every single time I miss a few classes is looking like a smaller part of the landscape every time I scale it.

It is true that there are always new things to learn in old material. It is true that I haven't attained anything like the top of the hill, as it were. (I should, I suppose, be getting quite good at climbing it, though...) It is true that the lessons you end up learning and need to learn are not always those you set out to learn. However... I don't feel like I'm going anywhere or learning anything much anymore.

However, I can certainly never learn to be an adequate swordsman if I don't train, so it's better to train something that nothing at all.